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How To Disguise Yourself As A Real Italian in 9 Easy Steps.

4 Apr

By Kara Harms

You’ve seen the movies and magazines with sexy Italian women who casually wear sexy Italian men as accessories all while looking flawless and dang it, you just want to look like them.  And hate them. And steal their wardrobe. And maybe the sexy men. But, I mean, who doesn’t? The standards of fashion in this country put America to shame.  Wear sweatpants or no make-up outside of the house here? Yeah, you get shunned.  T-shirts? Forget about them. The People of Wal-Mart would have no place to call home in this country.

But the great question I face on a daily basis is how exactly does one “dress like an Italian”? The fashion here is considered so prestigious it has turned into a “look” we admire from across the globe, but how does one really dress to blend into the crowds here?

Well, let me tell you, It. Is. So. Hard. Especially when you are oh-so-very blonde like me, you can never really blend in. But I’m going to help you learn how soar when I have already crashed and burned, since maybe you aren’t blonde and aren’t a shinning white color from spending too much of your youth in the Northern Midwest. I got to be useful for something, right?

Step One: Don’t be blonde.  If you are blonde, just give up and go home right now YOU WILL NEVER BE ONE OF THEM. Sorry I had to break it to you like this. But the real kicker is if you aren’t blonde, you are totally within your rights to bleach your hair like crazy. Just go for it, the more unnatural looking the better. Apparently being fake blonde is more acceptable than the real deal and despite hating American girls for their blonde hair, the Italian woman totally just secretly want to look like us. PLOT TWIST!!!

Step Two: Wear heals, and not the wimpy one-inch kinds, I mean the tall, thin stilettos that you only have to glance at to know they are designed for breaking ankles. The more likely your shoes might break your ankles, the more Italian they are. And you can’t just get by with wearing these babies on nice, safe, flat and even sidewalks, you have to walk on cobble stone too, otherwise you’re weak. The Italian women can smell out weakness. Don’t be weak! Your ankles are that important anyways, I promise.



Step Three: Wear fur. Doesn’t matter if it is a vest, scarf, hat or an oversized jacket that makes you look vaguely similar to an upright grizzly bear, wear that damn fur and you’re golden.

Step Four: Wear your parka until mid April. Yes, yes, I know, you are reading this and probably thinking, “Wait, I thought it was warm in Italy???” and I can tell you that indeed, it is warm in Italy. The past week has been highs of 60’s-I actually sweat on the walk to school but the Italians still refuse to abandon their beloved parkas. Don’t think you can get away without wearing a coat since “You’re from the North”. They don’t care if you are from Minnesota and can handle the cold since most of them have no idea what Minnesota even is.  Guys, these are the people who stick their dogs into vests to protect them from the “raging winter” of Rome. They will give you no mercy, assume you are a whore and send death glares in your direction until it makes you just give up and wear the darn coat out in the morning.

Step Five: Don’t exercise in public since they will call you a whore instead of just thinking it. This means the whole world of picking out cute neon sports bras and adorable gym clothes that make you look a little less disgusting while running doesn’t exist here.


Step Six: Own a Louis Vuitton bag. Hey, I never said it had to be real; a fake one will do just fine. Just as long as you’re carrying around some flashy LV you will be welcomed with open arms into what I think must be a secret underground Louis Vuitton organization that 40% of the Roman woman belong too. Guys, they really love their Louis Vuitton.

Step Seven: Shorts are too sexual for people here. You can’t be tempting the husbands and sons with your bare legs and hey, the Pope is watching you know! Don’t be a whore and leave the shorts at home.

Step Eight: Always always always bring your umbrella when you leave the house. It doesn’t matter if there isn’t a cloud in the sky, everyone else thinks it might rain so you better bring your umbrella to blend in. And it actally might rain since, SPOILER, it actually rains here a lot. Thats something nobody every tells you.

Step Nine: Toss out the ‘ole iPhone and get a cheap 40 Euro flip phone that makes you want to cry a little inside everything you have to use it. iPhones here are at least $600-700  (no wonder they think Americans are so rich) and pulling one out in public to snapchat a friend back automatically labels you as American.  Why would you want to shatter the illusion of being Italian after all the hard work you just put in? Also, it will probably get stolen since hey, it’s worth like $700 dollars and some guy’s kids need to be feed or something.

And there you have it, 9 easy steps to disguising yourself as a real life Italian woman. Use this knowledge wisely girls, and I better be seeing some fur and high heels on campus next semester. Lol JK, nobody wants to ride the 16 in high heels. But fur is a total go.